Fenway Park
BOSTON - Earlier this week, the Commission on Presidential Debates organization staged the lone debate for 2020 Vice Presidential candidates. This column will not delve into the politics nor particulars of the debate between incumbent veep Mike Pence and impressive Senator Kamala Harris, his opponent, except to note the one quirky occurrence that dominated much of the news coverage.
That being the fact a fly was on the debate stage and it landed right on Pence’s carefully coifed lilly white hair and stayed there for some two minutes of prime time tv. The subtle gaffe and embarrassing moment lit up social media and became sidebar coverage and comedic relief for nearly all late-night variety and comedy shows.
Trevor Noah
The fly’s lengthy stay on the veep’s noggin’ astonished debate viewers almost as much Pence’s practice of avoiding pointed questions like an educated fly would avoid a Venus Fly Trap. After the bizarre moments, the tides of mockery erupted and even Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden’s social media team jumped on the foolishness with a humorous fly-swatter campaign.
Thinking otherwise, one must delve into the situation and ask the simple question, “If I were a fly, where would I choose to go?”
Surely, it would not be a vice presidential debate stage and absolutely, it would not be a landing place of Mike Pence’s stiff hair. For the sake of safety, the only head of hair less appealing than Pence’s would be that of his running mate, with its hairdresseer-made comb-over. It’s a toxic and chemically maintained landing field that is a cross between land mines planted on an empty field in Erin Brockovich’s Pacific Gas and Electric back yard.
Suffice to say, there are so many, more interesting places to be a '“fly on the wall” while there are certainly other places to avoid.
If I were a fly on the wall …
I’d love to be in New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick’s office all week, but I’d avoid the Tennessee Titans locker as if it were liverwurst. Along those lines, think about what you might hear if you were a fly on the wall of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s Park Avenue office this week?
R-rated content for the next Hard Knocks, or what?
If I were a fly on the wall …
I’d love to land on Bryson DeChambeau’s golf bag for a round or two at this week’s Shriners Hospital for Children Open just to listen to the sounds of his driver vs. a golf ball. Maybe I’d race the ball to its landing place. He clocks it at 196 mph to carry some 343-yards.
If I were a fly on the wall, I’d venture to the clubhouses of the LA Dodgers to see Mookie Betts prepare for a ballgame or maybe to Atlanta to gaze at the pitching staff or watch MVP candidate 1B Freddie Freeman take batting practice.
Sadly, I’d avoid Fenway Park and CitiField until there’s some serious renovations (of roster, not facilities).
If I were a fly on the wall, I’d be charting courses for San Diego and to Chavez Ravine, then to Arlington, Texas for the World Series in the new ballpark. It would make for a nice October amidst this terrible coronavirus, no fans in the stands season.
In doing so, I’d wonder just how long it would take to fly from Texas to Augusta, Georgia to be a fly on the wall of the famed Butler Cabin. It’s only 945 miles, right? The WS runs from October 20-to-28th and the Masters tees-off on November 12th this year, so there’s plenty of time.
While it would be both interesting and horrifying, if I were a fly on the wall, I’d avoid the Oval Office and the West Wing but maybe settle for the laugh-fest going on within the walls of the Kremlin.
If I were a fly on the wall, I would’ve spent some quality time in the NBA bubble, and maybe that of the NHL’s dual bubbles in Toronto and Edmonton. That said, I’d take a pass on the long haul flying to the UFC’s Fight Island in Dubai.
If I were a fly, I’d long for the days of the Ringling Bros Barnum & Bailey Circus but might head for the November 6-7th Breeders’ Cup at Keeneland, depending on my navigation skills from Dallas to Texarkana to Augusta.
If I were a fly on the wall, I’d leave a comment of what I’d do next and share this column with a few friends.
If I were a fly on the wall, I’d sign up for more of these columns.